Bernie & Trump Debate The Issues

bernnoticemotherfucker

I had a dream last night that Bernie Sanders was debating Donald Trump during the 2016 presidential campaign. Now usually when Donald Trump appears in a dream, or in real life for that matter, it is more of a nightmare, but in this case it was more sketch comedy than anything.

Below is a transcript of the exchange.

Donald Trump:

“I’m going to ban all Muslims from entering the country! Then I’ll build a wall on the border with Mexico to keep the Mexicans out! These immigrants are terrorists and rapists and criminals!!”

Bernie Sanders:

“It is interesting to me that you appear to be so anti-immigrant considering that your mother, much like my father, was an immigrant to this country. It also appears that you are confused as to the statistics surrounding Mexicans coming to the United States. Research shows that from 2009-2014 over 140,000 more Mexicans left the United States to go back to Mexico than came into the country. Finally, while xenophobia is effective at whipping up some supporters, your fear-mongering misses the point. The majority of terrorist attacks in America are carried out by white right-wing radicals rather than Muslim immigrants.”

“Perhaps rather than spouting bigotry against refugees, America should stop creating the war zones that these refugees come from.”

Trump:

“You’re weak! You’re against the military! I will destroy ISIS! I love veterans and veterans love Donald Trump!”

Bernie:

“You appear not to realize how many service men and women you insulted with your comments on John McCain, denying that he was a war hero and saying ‘I like people that weren’t captured’.  Speaking of Senator McCain, I worked closely with him on the Veterans Affairs Committee for years, a committee which I chaired by the way, fighting for veterans through legislation such as the Veterans Access, Choice, and Accountability Act. And our great veterans have shown their appreciation for this work by presenting me with various awards such as the VFW Congressional Award in 2015 and the American Legion Patriot Award in 2014.”

Trump:

“Yea, but you’re a communist!” *smug face*

Bernie:

“You seem to be having problems with definitions Donald. To educate yourself I suggest you read this piece by my good friend Nigel Clarke. I am in fact a democratic socialist, which of course is not a communist. The main difference between the two is that democratic socialism lacks the autocratic and centralized nature of Soviet style communism.”

“But what I suspect you are really getting at Donald is a suggestion that my economic policies will be harmful. Aside from the fact that democratic socialism is working beautifully in multiple European countries I find it curious that a man with four bankruptcies on his record presupposes himself to have some sort of divine fiscal ability.”

Trump:

“Well at least I don’t fund my campaign with corporate donations. I pay for this myself so I don’t have to listen to anyone!!”

Bernie:

“It makes me very happy that you do not finance your campaign with those types of donations. I myself have received $0 from Super PAC’s and strongly support campaign finance reform, which I have noticed that you do not. However the reason you are not taking corporate money, also the reason you do not support campaign finance reform, is because you are corporate money.”

Trump:

At this point Trump launches into some sort of adolescent diatribe mocking women, disabled people, or anyone else he should happen to think of.

Bernie:

Bernie responds similarly to the way he did in 1995 when one of his colleagues attacked “homos in the military”.

 

Trump:

“Whatever Bernie you are OLD and you have messy hair!”

Bernie:

“Did 70 year old Donald Trump just say I was old? Either one of us is going to be older than Reagan was when he was inaugurated at 69 as the oldest ever to do it. And my hair? Is Donald Trump insulting somebody’s hair?

At this point Donald Trump has a Megyn Kelly flashback and runs off the stage crying.

 

It has been somewhat amusing to watch Donald Trump bully his way though the Republican primary process, much in the same way that it would be somewhat amusing to watch a sumo wrestler take a shit on a burning tire. But progressives such as myself have been (literally) dreaming of the day when Trump leaves the kids table and enters into the forum of the legitimate exchange of ideas. I don’t usually relish in the humiliation of others, but I think in Donald Trump’s case I can make an exception.

 

-Nigel Clarke 

 

orwell1

twitter@Nig_Clarke 

 

 

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One comment

  1. Intricate Knot · February 4, 2016

    Love it! Bernie would totally mop the floor with Trump, as you’ve illustrated in this post so beautifully.

    Like

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